I have been a stay at mom for 15 years this year. I have a 17 year old and 9 year old daughter, and i had a hard time deciding to stay at home when tori was 2. when i finally decided to do it i was excited. through the last 15 years i have had my ups and downs.
Since my oldest has become almost completely independent i have felt somewhat useless and have struggled with my identity, and worth. maybe because i made the decision solely for her when she was young and my house was set up already when Hannah came along, now that tori is older i feel sad at times that my life doesn't have as much meaning.
I am fighting these feeling because i know they are just that, feelings... the facts are my youngest is just as important as my oldest to have me at home, she is just the child i don't identify as much with, as i did with tori. my struggle is parenting a completely different child, and staying true to the mission that i feel god set before me, to stay home and raise my kids instead of relying on others to do that job for us.
I have to find the moments that draw me closer to Hannah, it doesn't come as naturally as it did with tori, maybe because I'm older, maybe because, as i said before, i don't identify as closely with Hannah as tori. i don't know the reasons but i know i have to overcome.
Jason, my husband, has had to travel alot with his business. i have come to realize that maybe this is why it is happening... gods plan to keep me digging in and identifying with hannah on a deeper level. i came to realize this thought pattern tonight when i could either, continue to pout that tori is out again, and jason flew out on business, or use the time to bond with hannah.
She came out to of her bedroom with crayons and coloring books, i know she planned on doing it by herself, but i said, "can i color with you?" her face lit up and she said, "YES!! you can pick any picture you want, from any book!" my heart melted to know it meant so much to her.
So i have realized i have bought into the.... "i don't have a real job" philosophy of so many people, i fought those feelings when i first made this decision 15 years ago and i have let these thoughts creep back in again. my life and work is important, to me, my husband, and god... and maybe someday my kids will say it was important to them (not going to hold my breath on that though).
